One file. Forty thousand lines. Three variables: data, data2 and dataFINAL_real(2).
It has survived four rewrite attempts, two CTOs, and one exorcism. It ships.
no refunds. no support. no unit tests. no mercy.
Recovered from production. The original author is legally dead (he changed his LinkedIn).
// TEMPORARY FIX (added 2014-03-11, do not remove)
// If you remove this, payments break in Bulgaria. Only Bulgaria.
await sleep(500); // gives the database time to think
function isProduction() {
return true; // it's always production somewhere
}
try { main(); }
catch (e) {
// this can't happen
location.reload(); // but if it does
}
if (user.name === "Oleg") {
return; // Oleg knows what he did
}This snippet processes $4M/month. Nobody is allowed to breathe near it.
Carved into an accepted Stack Overflow answer from 2011. 4,207 upvotes. Factually wrong.
Thou shalt copy-paste before thou shalt abstract. The second time you write the same code, that's not duplication — that's a tradition.
Thou shalt name variables a, aa, and aaFinalDoNotUse. Descriptive names are for people who plan to still work here next quarter.
Thou shalt commit directly to main. Branches are for trees and cowards.
Thou shalt build one God Class that does auth, billing, and PDF export. It shall be named Manager.java, it shall be 10,000 lines, and it shall be civilization.
Thou shalt catch every exception and do nothing. An error unseen is an error unhappened. catch (Exception e) {} is not negligence — it's inner peace.
Thou shalt not write tests. Without tests, thy code is simultaneously working and broken — and Schrödinger never got paged at 3 AM.
Thou shalt fix bugs with more bugs disguised as flags. if (userId === 4821) return true; // don't ask
Thou shalt honor SOLID: Ship it, Oh well, Later, I dunno, Deploy.
Thou shalt deploy on Friday at 17:58, enable airplane mode, and go to the countryside where the on-call rotation cannot follow.
Thou shalt ship it. That is all. That is the only commandment that has ever mattered.
Everything your bootcamp instructor warned you about, now battle-tested in prod.
You can't fail a test that doesn't exist. Our CI pipeline is a green circle we drew ourselves.
UserManagerServiceHelperImpl isn't a code smell. It's a monument. Archaeologists will study it.
Our codebase contains exactly one comment: // magic. do not touch. It is load-bearing.
Nobody can fire the only person who understands the codebase. Nobody can understand the codebase. Checkmate, HR.
The entire app is held together by a setTimeout(…, 500) that fixes a race condition nobody has ever found.
Every incident is resolved the same enterprise-grade way: turn the pod off and on, then pretend it was DNS.
A fair and balanced comparison, written by us.
| 😇 Clean Coders | 🩸 Bydlocoders | |
|---|---|---|
| Testing | 3,000 unit tests, all mocking each other | We test in production, where the real data lives |
| Deploys | CI, canary, gradual rollout | Friday 17:58, then airplane mode |
| Errors | Typed errors, retries, alerting | catch (e) {} — silence is also an answer |
| Architecture | C4 diagrams, updated quarterly | A photo of a whiteboard from 2019. Someone's leg is in frame. |
| Onboarding | Two weeks, buddy system, docs | "Ask Sergey." Sergey left in 2022. |
| Happiness | Refactoring on weekends, unpaid | Asleep by 22:00. Dreamless. Free. |
Real bydlo developers. Real damage. Names changed to protect the guilty.
"I ran git blame to find out which idiot wrote this garbage. It was me, 2019. Bydlocoding taught me self-forgiveness. Then I wrote more garbage, as a treat."
"I replaced our 14 microservices with one file called backend.php. Latency dropped 40% because the services had nobody left to talk to. The AWS bill went down. I was told to stop. I did not stop."
"We don't have a staging environment. We don't have tests. We have Sergey, who remembers what the code does. Sergey is on vacation. We are at peace with this."
"I renamed one variable in 2018 and broke prod in three microservices that supposedly weren't connected. Turns out everything is connected. Everything is always connected. Bydlocoding is basically Buddhism with worse error handling."
No refunds. No SLA. No idea what tier you're actually on — the billing code is also bydlocode.
for the truly desperate
for professionals in denial
for legends and war criminals
eval() conciergerootEnterprise? Call the number hardcoded in checkout.php, line 3,481.
Frequently Avoided Questions
No. Next question.
Career? You are the only human who can read your codebase. You will retire at this company. Possibly against your will. Possibly against theirs.
We fine-tuned a model on our codebase. It now refuses to generate code and only outputs apologies. Job secured.
The code is self-documenting, in the sense that it is the only documentation, and it lies.
You don't need to do anything. It's already happening. Entropy is on our side. See you in 18 months.
You will refactor nothing. You will document less. You will ship a 4,000-line main2_v3_USE_THIS_ONE.js, and it will outlive the company, the framework, and possibly you.
*straight to prod. where else?